PTSD and people want to know

We’re coping.

Life will never be the same again.  Yep, of course not.  But, coping.

Had 2 birthdays in the family since;  Wildest One’s and my mother’s.  So my artistic oldest took on the task of creating a birthday cake for each:


It reminds me of the advice I was given when she herself was a toddler and I was trying to make her pretty birthday cakes.

Someone said, the kids don’t need the sponge cake underneath.  Just the icing with the theme on top – that’s all they eat anyway.

Fondant tastes yucky.  I think they put glue into it, and plastic.  So these cakes were more for looking at than eating.

Here is the 7th birthday cake Iain made for our oldest (I baked, he decorated) :


Please remember to keep an eye out for someone who could take our 2 kitties.  Still no luck finding them a home.  😦


Checkpoint: Life

I’m useless at rhyming.  Tried it before.

Would like to update you all, but hang in there some more – things still pending.  This week should bring more clarity.



I desperately need a home for our poor kitties.  Where we are sheltering there is no space for more cats, so they are still in the haunted house, being fed by a kind neighbour (and me every time I drive by there).  If by end of this month nobody has offered to take Tiggles and Funnyface, I’ll have to hand them to Wetnose (have already phoned all the alternative places).  At least they are a no-kill shelter, but bloggies, please…  these two kitties have been with us for 10 years and they deserve better than a shelter!  Tiggles is a beautiful ginger female, Funnyface is a long-haired calico.  Tiggles, from the day she arrived on my doorstep, gave the impression that she understands every word we say.  Funnyface is cute, cuddly, intelligent, a sleek huntress of rats and mice (you won’t have to worry about pests again) and immensely affectionate.  Tiggles is a little more reserved – also cuddly though, will come and put her head on one’s lap when one is working on the computer.


Please let me know if you know someone who could take these two beauties.

Amazing SCIO

Those who know me, will remember that I’ve been with one foot in natural healing just about forever.  It runs in the family.  My mom once scared off a boyfriend of mine 😀 with a very bitter herbal tea she made him for an upset stomach (even herbal remedies are mostly hit-and-miss for ordinary stomach upsets, the best remedy is unfortunately the body’s own response), and the words (in a heavy fake-German accent) “vot does not kill you makes you stronger, ya??”.  I’m afraid I wasn’t very girlfriendly at that point, I was trying not to laugh too loudly.

Ok.  That little story aside.

After that terrible night of the 19th January, I was terrified that my son, who had been giving resuscitation to his father as he died, would come down with a nasty lung disease or asthma attack and follow his father into the grave.  It would be a classic PNI response to such a traumatic event.  (True as bob, he did come down with tonsillitis, but the message from the body was very positive.  The tonsils are part of our defense system, and the onslaught onto his airways was blocked by his own vitality and inner strength.)

So I dragged him (and the girls) off to a friend of mine who is a natural healer, herb witch and qualified SCIO therapist.  I wanted to prevent further damage.

SCIO is a very interesting machine.  It is in fact a computer; it links onto the body via electrodes, and then it measures your electric emissions and frequencies.  It picks up such little details as iron deficiencies, depression, and gastric disturbances.  It also picks up allergies. It measures and then visualizes on the screen, your body’s bio-electric field.  And what you see on the screen, can look just like what we used to see in the old Kirlian photography.  A.k.a. your “aura”.

In fact, it showed an image of the bio-electric field standing next to mine; a pure white spirit, making like a jersey wrapping itself around me.

“There he is,” said my friend.  “You want to see?”

Now.  I have never met an atheist who isn’t able to explain something like that away into more “scientific” and “likely” scenarios, but the evidence is piling up:  Spirits are real.

The day before yesterday, we discovered to our astonishment that the movies in Woodlands have closed down – that had been our favourite movie theatre forever, even b.c..  And now it’s gone.  They shut their doors forever, at the end of January.

So we staggered into Exclusive Books (thank goodness still there), and there I found a book – to my astonishment, titled nearly exactly like a story I had started several years back but abandoned in favour of the Solar Wind series.  “Journey of Souls.”  (Mine was:  “Journey of a Soul” – same subject matter but mine was fiction.)

Interviews by a hypnotist with his subjects, when he does past-life and between-life regression on them.  The surprising part is how much these interviews correspond with what I was envisioning of the “between lives”.  You too?

I have to run, but I’m curious of your comments!  🙂

So the wake is over…

… and now some people feel free to remember the bad stuff, talk to me (who is being kept too busy with paperwork and practicalities to get a gap – or the privacy – to grieve) and “remind” me of Hubbs’ failings over the years.

I’m very sorry, but at this point they should go to hell.


Study the bar graph above & follow my concept.

This graph represents a person’s overall qualities, each measurable quality getting its own bar.  Each person has his own unique signature; no two people rate the same on any quality.

The little bar on the left, that short one, is one personality trait.  Let’s say for argument’s sake it’s the capability for generating and growing money.

Some people never look any further than the first bar.  This one bar, money, means, for them the entire “value” of the person.  If your money bar is tall, you’re great (and must therefore be honest, good, hard-working, a good parent, creative, intelligent, etc etc).  If it’s short, you’re a loser, a lazy bum, fill in epithets ad lib – even ones that should actually describe other bars.

I ask people who judge others only on their money value:  So then, what on Earth could be wrong with Zuma?  He’s rich, so he must be a great guy!


Rant over.

Haunted House

Dear Bloggies, I miss you!  Most days I’m too busy trying to figure things out to go online; when I do, I’m too depressed to know what to say.

This post about the Haunted House has been struggling to take shape and it is still taking shape.  I’ll write a story about it at some point.  But right now it is eerily real.  The Haunted House wants to suck us in every time we go there to pack some more things.  It wants us to “stay awhile”.  It tries to lure us into leaving the trellydoor unlocked.  “Look, the garden is so pretty!”  It tries to keep us until dark…  but we’re wary, and salted now, we see through its illusions…

It is not Iain who is haunting the house.  He’s not that kind of ghost, and in any case, it was haunted long before.  The creepy dark corridor, the weird new wing that was built on for the sole purpose of impressing passers-by (why??), and that was so dark and cold at night…  the way M-i-l never dared to move into the main bedroom because she felt “evil presences” there…  M-i-l formulated her will to the best interest of – are you sitting down? – her House!  Any more doubts that the blooming place is haunted?

So, please be patient, and think of the Swan (Saent-Saens), which glides gracefully across the surface with no apparent effort, while underneath the feet are paddling like mad…






Minutes back, gunshots in the street.  A low register, sounded like at least a rifle.  I heard 7 of them but my children say there were four.  On calling the guard house, apparently this outside the wall.  It sounded as though it were right under our window!

Sorry, guys.  The mainstream media don’t bring a fraction of what’s actually going on here!  Also they dilute the issue.  “2 ‘lost’ in house burglary” – excuse me but that was no burglary, an armed team came in and terrorized another family of 5 on the 16th of March in Garsfontein, stabbed them all, two died, two went to hospital in critical condition and one was only cut “lightly”.  What the heck are the media doing using euphemisms such as “lost” rather than “murdered”, and “burglary” rather than “assassination” and “murder”?  Call the thing by it’s fricken name!!

Ok, all you people who want to prohibit guns.  Do you honestly think the criminals will give a rip about a law making their stolen guns illegal?  One little admin detail?  “Hold still while we slit your throats!”

Another little thing, how dare they give a criminal a nickname like “the Fence-Ninja”?  He jumps over fences and walls terrorizing, robbing at gunpoint, killing and injuring people, and they give him a cool name?  Isn’t a ninja some sort of hero?  Whose side are they on?

We’ll hopefully be able to find out online tomorrow what the heck went down there.  All I know is that my promise to Iain still has not been fulfilled and every day counts.


Of course I must…

I’m putting ads online for the violin studio, feeling utterly lost that I can’t include guitar and theory in them anymore.  (I do teach theory but not separately – maybe I ought to start).  I feel like I should be apologizing to Iain for leaving out his number and contact details.  I can hear his commentary – “of course you must advertise!  I’d do it for you if I could!”  But it doesn’t make it better.

Peeps, for those of you who haven’t yet lost someone that close (those who have, already know) – picking up the pieces is hard.  Running into tons of brick walls financially and practically, can’t do this before doing that but can’t do that because it’s frozen in the estate and we have to wait…  how do people even get through this?  The things I can do to improve the situation – advertising for more students – feel like a betrayal of everything we’ve always done together.  But, at least they are things I can do.






Culture of victim-blaming

“You should not have screamed.”

Right.  Because, when they shot him, they did so in cold blood, already mostly having left the premises, while the alarm was going.  Why could they not simply have left?  No:  They didn’t get their “loot”, and one spotted that he was unarmed, so he was shot.  Probably point-blank.  That was nothing but pure malice.  It had nothing to do with me having screamed and everything with their own decision.

If I had not screamed, they would have shot my daughter, point-blank.  She doesn’t doubt this for a second. The one who pointed a gun into her face, had cold, “dead” eyes that clearly indicated not a shred of humanity or mercy, and the strong likelihood of tripping on Nyaope – street drug made with a mix of poisons here.

In fact, had I not screamed, they’d probably had their violent little “party” with all of us – and in none of those imaginary scenarios can I see Iain surviving, as he would have attacked them the second he was aware of them.  And they would have shot him anyway.  And people would say to me – “you should have screamed”.  If I’d been around to tell the tale.  Which is unlikely, with these monsters.

Listen, victim-blamers:  My scream did not pull the trigger.

Saying I should not have screamed is like saying (as happens so often in court), the girl who was raped should have been wearing more “demure” clothing.  Excuse me?  Was it her clothing that raped her?  How are we living in a culture where even friends and relatives take the guilt of the criminal and place it on the shoulders of the victim for some or other little detail that might or might not have influenced the criminal’s decision?

Today we are holding Iain’s wake.  For his friends and most of his family (the more removed family) this is good closure and will be a final farewell.  After that they accept that he is gone.  For us, it is something we do to honour him and remember him; but nothing can ever bring closure and let us “move on”.  Our lives have altered irreversibly.  Even if the criminals were caught, drawn and quartered, this would only bring the satisfaction that they will never do it to another family.  Sadly that’s not the kind of country we live in.