Love of my life

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Love of my life, don’t leave me

You’ve taken my heart, you now desert me?

Love of my life, can’t you see

Bring it back, bring it back, don’t take it away from me

Because you don’t know

What it means to me.

You will remember when this has blown over

And everything’s just by the way

When we grow older, I will be there by your side to remind you

how I still love you, I still love you.

Hurry back, hurry back,

Please bring it back home to me

Because you don’t know

What it means to me.

Love of my life

Love of my life

Ooh…

 

*

 

I want to lay you down on a bed of roses

For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails

I want t be just as close as

The Holy Ghost is

And lay you down

on a bed of roses.

*

Iain and I communicated in music.  Every second thing we observed turned into a song lyric.  The kids even made fun of it:  “There’s a song for everything”.

On Thursday evening we had a friend over.  She also loves Sting, as we do, and she played us “Shape of my Heart” (one of my favourites), on a vid.  Iain sang along loudly:  “That’s not the shape of my liver!”

I will in time post recordings of his Irish band.  They were amazing; they were starting to sound really super, I hid in the bedroom and listened to them on Wednesday evenings.  They had a gig lined up for this coming weekend and a gig for the fourth of Feb.  I still have to let the host of that second one know.

“The River In The Pines” I could never sing without bursting into tears.  We sat on a high cliff overlooking Ballito Bay with our guitars that time, and I played him that song and I couldn’t finish without crying.  We sat and listened to the wind make a harpish kind of sound on our guitars.

I wrote him a song when we were young, about a dream I had, that outlined the path of our lives.  Around fifty-ish, the dream predicted me ripping him out of death’s clutches after some terrible event.  I ran with him the rest of the way, holding tightly onto his hand.  And together we stood on the black pebble beach of Death.

He is here with me.  I cannot leave yet,  I still have to make sure my children are safe.

I am sorry. This is deeply personal, but I’m sharing it here with you, my community, because we never had a big wedding with all our friends, where we could let everyone know beyond doubt that nothing life threw at us could separate us, and that Death could not part us.  He is keeping close.  He was never shy to declare our love for each other to the world (and to me!).

I’m also sharing it with you because some of you knew Iain and certainly all of you knew about him. Here’s a thing:  Everybody loved Iain.  He was that kind of person.  It is cutting me to shreds that I have to call and message all the people who were so fond of him, and tell them the world has been robbed of one of its brightest shining love lights.  He had tons of friends, when he walked into a room the atmosphere lightened up.  You could hear his laugh around the block, he had this amazing, booming voice of an operatic tenor.  One of the reasons I put comedy into the stories we were writing together was so that I could hear him laugh like that.  We wrote together:  I made up the story, read it back to him and he laughed and commented, and most of his comments ended up in the story as well.  Sometimes we thought of the same comment at the same time, word by word, and blurted it out together and cracked ourselves about not only the comment but how much we were in sync.

I’ll be posting the story of our wedding at some point, and the story of our first and second and third camping trips, and our Ballito gig and our Sabie gig, and many many more.  I was always so scared of putting personal stories on my blog for fear that someone on the internet would do whatnot to us…  the attack came from an entirely different angle, and I don’t want to talk about that now.  I will at one time blog about the night my forever-love was taken from us.  But he is here now and he doesn’t want me to be cold and miserable, he wants me to feel warm and loved and to know he’s keeping his promise and not leaving me.  I sense his spirit so close by…  Iain I love you endlessly, and I don’t care if the whole world thinks it’s clicheed.

I’m wearing his favourite pullover. It’s summer here yet I feel I’ll never be warm again – except while I wear this.

And if I love you a little more than  I should…

please forgive me, I don’t know what to do

please forgive me, I can’t stop loving you

Don’t deny me this pain I’m going through,

please forgive me, I can’t stop loving you…

And as for this country, that killed the best there ever was just for his skin colour and his belongings:

Give, give me the good news

War is the one game which we all lose,

Give me the good news!

If I accept the word forever

maybe we could live together

and not be scared to watch the late night news

(I never watched the news – I got the most important updates from friends and family.  Anyway we don’t get news here, only ANC propaganda.)

I can’t blog about this now.  Only about my love for this wonderful man, and how beautiful his eyes were even as he passed away in my arms.

I’m sorry peeps, if I won’t come and reply to comments yet.  I can feel your love and support and am very very appreciative, but every bit of socializing is an ordeal for me right now, and there are so many people who loved him whose hearts I still have to shred with the message of his passing.  I cry for them too because they also lost someone irreplaceable, and I feel so very privileged that I was allowed to own this shining light for twenty-six years, and have three beautiful kids who have 50% his genes and have all of his awesomeness.  He was so proud of them!  More on that later, too.

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Iain performing with Earth Angel Natalie, who has the same kind of shining light for an aura, on the night before her wedding, 2011, Durban.

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9 thoughts on “Love of my life

  1. That is beautiful. When I first met my love, he asked me to go to SA with him. He was interested in moving there. We were in Aus at the time. I showed him your post and his face dropped. He was horrified. ‘I think I like Gib.’

    Premonition is a strange thing. My partner had it when he was younger. Dreamt a work colleague had died and was telling his decorating mate about it. Later that morning, the widow rang in to say the subject of the dream had a heart attack in the night and died.

    I hope his spirit gives you the strength to continue till you meet again.

    • His spirit does, Roughseas. It’s the one thing that is keeping my spine straight. I have rewritten the third stanza of the wedding song I wrote for him originally, to say that he was called away and I had to stay but I’ll stand strong for him here and he’ll wait for me on the other side.

      Premonition is indeed weird. I had the feeling earlier last week, around the Monday 16th, that I couldn’t afford to waste too many hours away from him and my kids as I had too few days left. Will go into more detail at some point. ❤

  2. I am shocked and saddened beyond measure. Somehow, it has taken until now for me to catch up with this dreadful news. I took it that snippets I saw earlier related to the other recent upheavals in your lives.
    Anyway, the thoughts of all of us are with you. We feel privileged to have met Iain, albeit in too-brief snatches. May you and your wonderful family now bond even closer to overcome this awful blow.

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